Confessions of a Bishop's Wife: There's Nothing For It

By: Deborah Pace Rowley

My husband received the call to be the bishop 3 weeks before he was actually sustained. That was certainly the longest three weeks of our lives. For the first two weeks we felt incredible opposition from the adversary. There were feelings of inadequacy, doubt, anxiety, discouragement, self-pity, regret, all topped with feelings of being completely overwhelmed.

Fortunately the Lord of the Rings didn't let us down and provided the perfect mantra for this moment as well. Do you remember the scene where Frodo is bemoaning his fate and complaining that the burden of the ring is just too hard and wishing he could give up and just go home? Sam says matter-of-factly, "There is nothing for it Mr. Frodo." It didn't matter how bad Frodo felt, his task had to be done. There was no one else who could take his place, there was no other option. There it was.

I must have said to my husband a dozen times that two weeks, "There is nothing for it Mr. Frodo." He certainly wasn't going to back out or turn down the call. He had received his own witness that the call was from God. We couldn't move. Even though we thought about it! There was only one thing left to do. All he could do was keep moving forward and do his best. Sometimes you just need to hear someone say, "There is nothing for it, Mr. Frodo." Or you need to say it to yourself.

It doesn't matter how bad you feel or how you wish things were different. When there is nothing for it, quit complaining, pull up your bootstraps and keep moving. After those first two weeks, a member of the Stake Presidency announced in our ward that we would be getting a new bishop. He encouraged the ward members to pray for this new bishop and his family even though they didn't know who they were praying for.

Almost immediately, I felt like I could breathe again. The prayers of these ward members made a tangible, incredible, and undeniable difference to our family. For my part, I felt that just maybe this was something we could do after all. I am so grateful for those prayers, prayers for an unknown, struggling and scared future bishop and his family. Somehow that last week we knew that they loved us, they supported us, God was mindful of us and everything would be okay. And it is. Doesn't it make you wonder, how many people are praying for you?

Confessions of A Bishop's Wife: Holding Secrets

By: Deborah Pace Rowley

Last Thursday night, I attended a wedding reception and ran into a dear friend. We spent our time in the   receiving line catching up. I told her about my husband's new call. She talked about her experiences dating again. Almost three years ago, her husband left her and their five children after having an affair. I remember how devastated and shocked we all were at this news. I saw this couple as having the ideal marriage.

As we visited, I shared with her some of my deepest fears. I don't feel as close to Lin anymore. He is so busy. His mind is always somewhere else. There are things he knows that he can't tell me. There are secrets that he has to keep and I am scared of the distance that I feel between us. I had never vocalized my feelings even to myself but there they were. I didn't want to lose my husband. I didn't want to lose the love and the closeness we had shared. This bishop thing had come between us.

Later that night, I was in bed alone and I began to feel anxious again. As I started to pray, a feeling of peace came over me. The Spirit whispered to me, "They are not his secrets." With joy, I realized that was true. This is different. They are not his secrets. He is taking other people's secrets and carrying them to God. He is entrusted as the secret keeper for a short time. He can help people carry their burdens to the throne of God, where he can leave the secrets and let the Atonement do it's work.

Suddenly I could picture Frodo bearing the ring. (I told you everything comes back to the Lord of the Rings in our family.) It was almost more than Frodo could carry at times but he wasn't on his journey alone. While Sam couldn't carry the ring, Sam could stand beside Frodo. And Sam would eventually carry the ring-bearer to his destination on Mount Doom.

I loved this image. The Bishop is holding those secrets but I am holding the Bishop and loving and strengthening him by my presence. I am carrying him as he carries the secrets to the throne of God.
We were told by a former bishop that Lin would need ice cream, lots of ice cream, when he came home late at night weighed down with the burdens a bishop needs to carry. At the time I wondered how could I give Lin comfort food when he is lactose intolerant and doesn't eat after eight?!

Now I don't think he will need ice cream. I think all he will need is my love and my arms around him to help hold him up. It may be challenging, but with the help of God, I know that I can still feel close to him and still feel part of this work that he is doing even when I don't know what it is. I can't carry the secrets, but sometimes I can carry the Bishop and that is enough.

Confessions of a Bishop's Wife: The Raggedy Man

By: Deborah Pace Rowley

The Bishop had just arrived home. It was later than usual so I knew that he had stopped by a ward member's home. He was just heading back to the bedroom when my 7-year-old nephew Cameron started to laugh hysterically. Suddenly my husband was shaking his back side for all the kids in the house to see and eliciting peals of laughter. Then he turned around so that I could see the gaping hole in the backside of his jeans.

Oh dear! Could this wonderful, endearing raggedy man really be the bishop? The guy who never buys clothes for himself but always sees that his kids and his wife have what they need? He has had those same jeans for probably 7 years. The coat that he wears on cold nights to give blessings and offer counsel is tattered and worn--- a Christmas gift almost 9 years ago.

Of course, he had sat down on a ward member's couch and heard the tell-tale rip. He smiled and said, "Did you hear that?" The ward members only nodded. He admitted it was a little bit embarrassing. I hope they love the bishop as much as we do. I hope that they understand we honor and respect his office and mean no disrespect by his raggedy clothes. It is just that he always puts the needs of others first. I think today I will go to the store.

Confessions of a Bishop's Wife: Crossing the LINE

By Deborah Pace Rowley

Tonight my husband came home from work and quickly received several phone calls. We had arranged in the morning to go together to visit a homebound widow in our ward; someone that I knew but whom whom he had never met. He wanted me to provide the introductions. Since he was busy on the phone, I started to work on a school project.

As soon as he got off the phone, he said in an abrupt tone, "Let's go make the visit now." I said, "Excuse me! You may be the Bishop and have lots of urgent things to do but not everyone needs to jump at your command!"He looked at me chagrined and smiled sheepishly. "Alright," he responded. "I will be ready to go whenever you are."

A few minutes later I finished up my project and found him in the kitchen. I gave him a huge hug and apologized for snapping at him. I hate it when I do that, especially when he is just trying to be a good bishop. He whispered into my hair, "You are just doing your job."

"What do you mean?"

"Letting me know when I have crossed the line."

I laughed. "I didn't think Bishops could cross the line."

"Yes, they can. I am not a wizard!"

I immediately knew what he was talking about. Somehow everything in our family comes back to Lord of the Rings. (Remind me to tell you about the first two weeks after he was called but before he was sustained!)

Together we quoted Gandolf's line from the first movie: "A wizard is never late. He arrives precisely when he means to."

"Perfect," I teased. "A Bishop doesn't cross the line. He draws the line exactly where he means to."

We laughed. Contention dispersed. Love returns to the Bishop's household and together we go to make an enjoyable visit. I just hope that I don't have to do MY job too often!