Confessions of a Bishop's Wife: There's Nothing For It

By: Deborah Pace Rowley

My husband received the call to be the bishop 3 weeks before he was actually sustained. That was certainly the longest three weeks of our lives. For the first two weeks we felt incredible opposition from the adversary. There were feelings of inadequacy, doubt, anxiety, discouragement, self-pity, regret, all topped with feelings of being completely overwhelmed.

Fortunately the Lord of the Rings didn't let us down and provided the perfect mantra for this moment as well. Do you remember the scene where Frodo is bemoaning his fate and complaining that the burden of the ring is just too hard and wishing he could give up and just go home? Sam says matter-of-factly, "There is nothing for it Mr. Frodo." It didn't matter how bad Frodo felt, his task had to be done. There was no one else who could take his place, there was no other option. There it was.

I must have said to my husband a dozen times that two weeks, "There is nothing for it Mr. Frodo." He certainly wasn't going to back out or turn down the call. He had received his own witness that the call was from God. We couldn't move. Even though we thought about it! There was only one thing left to do. All he could do was keep moving forward and do his best. Sometimes you just need to hear someone say, "There is nothing for it, Mr. Frodo." Or you need to say it to yourself.

It doesn't matter how bad you feel or how you wish things were different. When there is nothing for it, quit complaining, pull up your bootstraps and keep moving. After those first two weeks, a member of the Stake Presidency announced in our ward that we would be getting a new bishop. He encouraged the ward members to pray for this new bishop and his family even though they didn't know who they were praying for.

Almost immediately, I felt like I could breathe again. The prayers of these ward members made a tangible, incredible, and undeniable difference to our family. For my part, I felt that just maybe this was something we could do after all. I am so grateful for those prayers, prayers for an unknown, struggling and scared future bishop and his family. Somehow that last week we knew that they loved us, they supported us, God was mindful of us and everything would be okay. And it is. Doesn't it make you wonder, how many people are praying for you?

The Family Proclamation: God's Love for Us

Lesson II:

God’s Love For Us

Attention-Getting Activity:

Begin the lesson by having all the family members stand out in the hall while you call them in one at a time. Make sure that those in the hall can still hear. As you welcome each female family member say in a loud voice: “Now coming to family night, we have _______. This beautiful girl is good at_______. She adds this to_______ our family. We couldn’t live without her _______.” The rest of the family can cheer as this daughter enters the room. When you welcome a male family member say in a loud voice: “Now coming to family night, we have _______. This handsome boy is good at ________. He adds ________ to our family. We couldn’t live without his _______. “The rest of the family can cheer as this son enters the room.  

The Proclamation:

Hand out the Proclamation to each family member. Read the second paragraph together. 

All human beings, male and female, are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents and as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose. 

Testimony:

Bear testimony that each person was created by God. We are in his image. He has a physical body with hands, feet, eyes, ears and a mouth just as we do. He loves each of his children very much and He has a plan for our lives. You may want to emphasize this point by going around the circle and saying, “I know that God loves ___________” and repeat this for each child. 

Every boy was born to become a King. Every girl was born to become a Queen. Heavenly Father wants to bless us with everything that He has. This is our destiny. Whether we are a boy or a girl, our gender is important to our Heavenly Father’s plans for us. 

Extension Activity: 

Lay out the word strips you have made using the list below. Lay out the Headings: Girls, Boys, or Both. Have the family decide which words describe boys and which words describe girls and which words describe both. Explain that for some of the words there is no right or wrong answer. There are many things that both boys and girls can do to strengthen and help the family such as clean, cook, and care for children. 

The world will try to convince you that boys and girls are exactly the same and that they should be treated and act the same. Heavenly Father teaches us that boys and girls are different. We were boys and girls in heaven and we will continue to be boys or girls after we die. We each have different roles and responsibilities but Heavenly Father loves his daughters and sons equally. Each is vital to our Heavenly Father’s plan. We must work together and use our individual strengths to help our home function as smoothly as possible. 

Refreshments:  

Serve ice cream cones with pink and blue ice cream in honor of boys and girls. Talk about how wonderful it is to have both boys and girls in this world. It keeps things interesting! 

Word Strips:

BOY GIRLS BOTH

Dolls Balls           Sports

Father Mother          Prays

Bishop Relief Society President          Home Teacher

Visiting Teacher Ribbons and Curls Dresses

Shirts and Ties Missionary Grandma

Grandpa Cooks         Cries

Smiles Works in the Yard Cleans

Cares for the Baby Pregnant         Smart

Outdoors Studies the scriptures Teacher

Primary Leader Stake President         Serves others

Sensitive to the Spirit Desire to be Good Testimony

Patriarch Matriarch         Talks a lot

Talks a little Gives Blessings         Husband

Wife Brother         Sister

Uncle Aunt         Cousin 

Temple Worker Priesthood Holder Friend

Fixes everything Can kiss boo-boos better         Strong

Good in Math Reads books         Son

Unique and Special Loved by Heavenly Father          Daughter

Confessions of A Bishop's Wife: Holding Secrets

By: Deborah Pace Rowley

Last Thursday night, I attended a wedding reception and ran into a dear friend. We spent our time in the   receiving line catching up. I told her about my husband's new call. She talked about her experiences dating again. Almost three years ago, her husband left her and their five children after having an affair. I remember how devastated and shocked we all were at this news. I saw this couple as having the ideal marriage.

As we visited, I shared with her some of my deepest fears. I don't feel as close to Lin anymore. He is so busy. His mind is always somewhere else. There are things he knows that he can't tell me. There are secrets that he has to keep and I am scared of the distance that I feel between us. I had never vocalized my feelings even to myself but there they were. I didn't want to lose my husband. I didn't want to lose the love and the closeness we had shared. This bishop thing had come between us.

Later that night, I was in bed alone and I began to feel anxious again. As I started to pray, a feeling of peace came over me. The Spirit whispered to me, "They are not his secrets." With joy, I realized that was true. This is different. They are not his secrets. He is taking other people's secrets and carrying them to God. He is entrusted as the secret keeper for a short time. He can help people carry their burdens to the throne of God, where he can leave the secrets and let the Atonement do it's work.

Suddenly I could picture Frodo bearing the ring. (I told you everything comes back to the Lord of the Rings in our family.) It was almost more than Frodo could carry at times but he wasn't on his journey alone. While Sam couldn't carry the ring, Sam could stand beside Frodo. And Sam would eventually carry the ring-bearer to his destination on Mount Doom.

I loved this image. The Bishop is holding those secrets but I am holding the Bishop and loving and strengthening him by my presence. I am carrying him as he carries the secrets to the throne of God.
We were told by a former bishop that Lin would need ice cream, lots of ice cream, when he came home late at night weighed down with the burdens a bishop needs to carry. At the time I wondered how could I give Lin comfort food when he is lactose intolerant and doesn't eat after eight?!

Now I don't think he will need ice cream. I think all he will need is my love and my arms around him to help hold him up. It may be challenging, but with the help of God, I know that I can still feel close to him and still feel part of this work that he is doing even when I don't know what it is. I can't carry the secrets, but sometimes I can carry the Bishop and that is enough.

Confessions of a Bishop's Wife: The Raggedy Man

By: Deborah Pace Rowley

The Bishop had just arrived home. It was later than usual so I knew that he had stopped by a ward member's home. He was just heading back to the bedroom when my 7-year-old nephew Cameron started to laugh hysterically. Suddenly my husband was shaking his back side for all the kids in the house to see and eliciting peals of laughter. Then he turned around so that I could see the gaping hole in the backside of his jeans.

Oh dear! Could this wonderful, endearing raggedy man really be the bishop? The guy who never buys clothes for himself but always sees that his kids and his wife have what they need? He has had those same jeans for probably 7 years. The coat that he wears on cold nights to give blessings and offer counsel is tattered and worn--- a Christmas gift almost 9 years ago.

Of course, he had sat down on a ward member's couch and heard the tell-tale rip. He smiled and said, "Did you hear that?" The ward members only nodded. He admitted it was a little bit embarrassing. I hope they love the bishop as much as we do. I hope that they understand we honor and respect his office and mean no disrespect by his raggedy clothes. It is just that he always puts the needs of others first. I think today I will go to the store.

Confessions of a Bishop's Wife: Crossing the LINE

By Deborah Pace Rowley

Tonight my husband came home from work and quickly received several phone calls. We had arranged in the morning to go together to visit a homebound widow in our ward; someone that I knew but whom whom he had never met. He wanted me to provide the introductions. Since he was busy on the phone, I started to work on a school project.

As soon as he got off the phone, he said in an abrupt tone, "Let's go make the visit now." I said, "Excuse me! You may be the Bishop and have lots of urgent things to do but not everyone needs to jump at your command!"He looked at me chagrined and smiled sheepishly. "Alright," he responded. "I will be ready to go whenever you are."

A few minutes later I finished up my project and found him in the kitchen. I gave him a huge hug and apologized for snapping at him. I hate it when I do that, especially when he is just trying to be a good bishop. He whispered into my hair, "You are just doing your job."

"What do you mean?"

"Letting me know when I have crossed the line."

I laughed. "I didn't think Bishops could cross the line."

"Yes, they can. I am not a wizard!"

I immediately knew what he was talking about. Somehow everything in our family comes back to Lord of the Rings. (Remind me to tell you about the first two weeks after he was called but before he was sustained!)

Together we quoted Gandolf's line from the first movie: "A wizard is never late. He arrives precisely when he means to."

"Perfect," I teased. "A Bishop doesn't cross the line. He draws the line exactly where he means to."

We laughed. Contention dispersed. Love returns to the Bishop's household and together we go to make an enjoyable visit. I just hope that I don't have to do MY job too often!

The Family Proclamation: Listening to God's Prophets

By: Deborah Pace Rowley

This is the first in a series of family home evening lessons based on The Family: A Proclamation to the World. 

Lesson I:

Listening to God’s Prophets

Attention-Getting Activity:

Start the lesson with a treasure hunt. Beforehand fill a box with a treat and enough copies of the Proclamation for each family member. Hide the treasure somewhere very difficult to find in the house, such as the top of a closet behind other items, but keep its location a secret from other family members. Begin the activity by choosing a family member to lead the treasure hunt. Say to this person, “Lead us to the treasure.” Don’t give any clues or directions to help. When he or she gives up after a few minutes, ask the family if they need someone to help who actually knows where the treasure is. When they say “Yes”, give them the first clue such as go upstairs. Further clues could be; go to the master bedroom, go to the master bedroom closet, and look on the top shelf behind the extra sheets.

When the family has retrieved the treasure and shared the treat, remind them how important it is to have a guide who knows where the treasure is located. As a family, you are going to begin studying the Proclamation which is a guide by our prophet to help us find real treasure in our marriages and with our families. The prophet does know where the treasure is located and he can get us safely there. 

The Proclamation:

Hand each family member their own copy of the family proclamation. Show family members a picture of the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles so that they can picture the speakers as you read the first paragraph together. 

“We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” 

Testimony:

Bear testimony that these men have been called of God and that they are divinely inspired to know what we need at this time. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ inspired them to write this document for our day to guide us and help us to avoid the deceptions of the adversary.  Let your family know that the world teaches things that are different than this document. They may hear things in classes or on the news or with friends that contradict this document. The world can be very persuasive in presenting Satan’s lies but they can know with complete certainty that the Proclamation is true. It is what God wants us to know and believe about the family. We don’t ever need to be confused or unsure about where we should stand on an issue or what we should do. We have the guidance of living prophets. Now we need to learn and follow what they teach us. Promise your family that as they learn about and study the Proclamation they will feel the spirit witnessing that it is true. In this way, they will gain their own testimony of this document and its power. 

Extension Activity: 

It is fun to personalize the Proclamation by decorating the borders around the words. You can copy family pictures that your children can cut up and glue in place at the sides of the Proclamation. You can also have your children color pictures of each family member down the sides of the Proclamation. Have each child personalize their copy of the Proclamation and then keep them in a safe place for future lessons. 

Refreshments:  

Make doughnut sundaes by placing a simple glazed doughnut on a plate and filling the middle with ice cream. Drizzle caramel or chocolate sauce over the filled doughnut and add whipping cream and nuts if desired. As you eat refreshments, talk about how much yummier this is than a plain doughnut with nothing in the middle. In the same way, the family is the center of our Heavenly Father’s plan. Without a family, life is like the center of a doughnut, an empty hole.   

Confessions of a Bishop's Wife

By: Deborah Pace Rowley

My husband Lin was just called as a Bishop.  If Bishop's wives need mottos or mission statements, I have decided that mine will be, "Never suppress a generous thought." You know that story, don't you? A young women had received a beautiful piece of silk from her father who had purchased it in his business travels. The thought came to her that she would like to make a tie for President Spencer W. Kimball, who was a member of her ward. So she made the tie.

Then she set about to deliver it. But as she walked up the walk to his door, doubt began to flood her mind. "What am I thinking? Pres. Kimball doesn't need another tie from me. I am so embarrassed. He would never wear this." She quickly turned around and headed back down the walk. But Camilla Kimball had seen her approach the house and hurried out to stop her. Camilla graciously accepted the tie on behalf of the prophet, and she kindly said to this young woman, "My dear, never suppress a generous thought."

I love this story and have decided to make it my motto. I don't consider myself a very good gift-giver. I never seem to bring the perfect jar of peaches at the perfect time. (Remember Elder Eyring's talk?) But I have decided that doesn't matter. I am not comfortable in social settings. I struggle knowing how to reach out to other people. But I have decided to never suppress a generous thought. If I have the thought to write a letter, I will write it. If I have the thought to deliver cinnamon rolls, I will deliver them. I will act on the little thoughts I am given, hoping that God can magnify my small efforts in behalf of our ward.

I had the thought today that I need to write about our adventures in this little blog that I have let lie dormant for a long time. I don't know if anyone will benefit from my experience but since I never want to suppress a generous thought, here it goes. I will title these posts: Confession of a Bishop's wife.

I can't promise that I will post very often but I recently found some more great family home evening lessons that I will be posting as well. These lessons are from a series that I did about the Family Proclamation. I think someone will enjoy these lessons so I will be posting them as well.

Thank you for reading and sharing my journey.